Abstract Worse Case Scenario
You go to bed one night thinking everything was fine. You actually have the best night of sleep of your life, aside from a slightly rank odor. You wake up and everything is slightly blurred, you walk in the bathroom and clear your eyes to see one shocking thing, your a man baby! This right this is a survival guide in case you go to bed a woman and wake up a man.
First things first, as you were sleeping last night that smell was the sleep farts.
sleep farts v. - developed when man still lived in caves generated to ward of enemies and to keep warm while sleeping. Sleep farts is an evolutionary development only seen in male homo sapiens.
The next thing you will notice is a great warmth coming from your pants coupled with a slight discomfort of the bladder. This has been scientifically classified as morning wood. The origins of morning wood are unknown and at one time were thought to be magical. They are generated most possibly by a good dream in which the subject is in a utopia with unclothed women.
A good rule to follow is never complement another guy. It is okay to say "great play" on the field but that is about it. Never stare another guy in the eyes for more then three seconds either. And smiling at another guys is stricktly off limits.
The average man thinks about sex one out of eight seconds of his day, you will not be able to help it. Now staring at women is okay, actually it is almost required whether she is looking or not. And making a comment to another guy like, "Did you see the bo-day-tious ta-tas on her," is okay.
Now ass slapping is only allowed if you are on a playing field and it is encouragement. Never off the field or to someone one on another team, should ass slapping be performed. To perform the ass slap you'll want to keep you hand flat and accelerate the arm towards the ass. At the last moment you may want to flick the wrist. Cupping and lifting should never occur.
Here is an example of incorrect and correct procedures for the ass slap.
http://www.boardsmag.com/screeningroom/commercials/761
The last thing I need to inform you about is the bathroom. Urinals are only for number one. Urinal selection is a delicate task that all men master. Urinal selection is based on two things, what stalls are occupied and the entrance location. Most urinals are located away from the bathroom door, but on occasion you will find one where when the door is open you are exposed. Avoid this at all cost. Next, if available choose a urinal that has no adjacent occupants. If that option is not available then you may choose an unoccupied urinal, but look straight forward, exactly straight forward. Hand washing is optional.
First things first, as you were sleeping last night that smell was the sleep farts.
sleep farts v. - developed when man still lived in caves generated to ward of enemies and to keep warm while sleeping. Sleep farts is an evolutionary development only seen in male homo sapiens.
The next thing you will notice is a great warmth coming from your pants coupled with a slight discomfort of the bladder. This has been scientifically classified as morning wood. The origins of morning wood are unknown and at one time were thought to be magical. They are generated most possibly by a good dream in which the subject is in a utopia with unclothed women.
A good rule to follow is never complement another guy. It is okay to say "great play" on the field but that is about it. Never stare another guy in the eyes for more then three seconds either. And smiling at another guys is stricktly off limits.
The average man thinks about sex one out of eight seconds of his day, you will not be able to help it. Now staring at women is okay, actually it is almost required whether she is looking or not. And making a comment to another guy like, "Did you see the bo-day-tious ta-tas on her," is okay.
Now ass slapping is only allowed if you are on a playing field and it is encouragement. Never off the field or to someone one on another team, should ass slapping be performed. To perform the ass slap you'll want to keep you hand flat and accelerate the arm towards the ass. At the last moment you may want to flick the wrist. Cupping and lifting should never occur.
Here is an example of incorrect and correct procedures for the ass slap.
http://www.boardsmag.com/screeningroom/commercials/761
The last thing I need to inform you about is the bathroom. Urinals are only for number one. Urinal selection is a delicate task that all men master. Urinal selection is based on two things, what stalls are occupied and the entrance location. Most urinals are located away from the bathroom door, but on occasion you will find one where when the door is open you are exposed. Avoid this at all cost. Next, if available choose a urinal that has no adjacent occupants. If that option is not available then you may choose an unoccupied urinal, but look straight forward, exactly straight forward. Hand washing is optional.
posted by fox at 9:48 AM
2 Comments:
you are a gentleman and a scholar. fox, i had no idea. i caused a ruckus at work from reading this post.
*pat pat*
(you decide which you want it to be *wink*)
I thought Morning Wood was the proposed name for Evil and Kat's first baby. Huzzah!
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