Wedding Vows revised

Getting hitched is a big step in life, so I think you should let the other person know what they are in for. I say wedding vows should be redone to fit the needs of the person. Also, I don’t think you should commit right there at the altar, there is a lot of pressure at that point. Do you john do agree to honor, love, obey, yata-yata blah-blah ... for as long as you both shall live? What the hell is that? I don’t know what I am going to do tomorrow, as long as you both shall live? Is maybe and acceptable answer?

I think instead that you should be able to say what you expect from the other person. I think your vows should be your own vows but for the other person.

Groom:
"Hey woman do you promises to
1. Love me and not cheat on me.
2. Give yourself up when ever I want it and during that time of the month give head.
3. Ruin your body having our children, and try like hell to get your figure back afterwards.
4. Stay at home, clean house, raise kids, and dinner better be hot.
5. If you have time get, a part-time job for you own spending money so you are not a hole in my pocket.
6. Keep your mother-in-law the hell away from me, I swear I will kill the bitch, and hide the body.
7. I bought that expensive ass ring so you dad better be paying for this here weddin.
8. You better not care if I go to a hooter bar for a lay dance once in a while.
9. You also better understand that when I come home from work I am tired.
10. If we do get split up I am not paying alimony, alimony does not mean all your money.
11. I case of fire save your own ass, burning building equals haul ass.
12. I may on try to catch your sister naked but just to look. (From the tree outside the bathroom.)
13. Agreement must be renewed every five years.
14. Extreme illness resulting in paralysis voids contract."


The bride
" Hey man do you promises to
1. Love me, care about me and how I feel, nourish my sole, feel my pain, cry with me, be my emotional support and not cheat on me.
2. Never use the words I am tired when I want to have sex.
3. Break your body bringing home the bread, and if it takes two jobs so be it.
4. Do all chores outside the house, and if it is broke fix it immediately.
5. Never try anal stuff; it is off limits sick-o.
6. Tell me I do not look fat in these pants.
7. Read my mind on everything, if I ask you what you want for dinner, I am really asking what I want for dinner.
8. Listen to my nagging that never goes anywhere.
9. Shut your mouth when I am talking, I really don’t care what you have to say.
10. If I get pregnant you will get up at 3:00 am to get me a pickle and peanut butter sandwich.
11. Know but not care when I talk about you to my girlfriends.
12. Get me diamonds at least once a year; you have Christmas, my birthday, Mother’s Day, and Valentines, pick one.
13. When you mess up, flowers do not work, think gold.
14. I reserve the right to kick your ass to the couch.
15. You will drive a mini-van.
16. Your getting fixed not me when the time comes.
17. Not look at other women when I am around.
18. Follow the equation compliments > insults.
19. In case of fire you’re on your own jack.
20. Agreement must be renewed every five years.
21. Extreme illness resulting in paralysis voids contract."

If both parties agree, may god have mercy on your souls.

X___________________ Groom

X___________________ Bride

X____________________ Witnesses

X____________________ Witnesses

X____________________ Witnesses

X____________________ Witnesses

X____________________ Witnesses

X____________________ Witnesses

X____________________ Witnesses

X____________________ Witnesses

X____________________ Witnesses


And that should work a little better.

and pictures should look like this

http://www.gallaghersmash.com/images/bride-truck-butt-2.jpg

http://www.strangecosmos.com/images/content/106004.jpg

http://physicsgeek.mu.nu/archives/redneck%20wedding.jpg

http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y185/rob1303/Redneck/Redneck010.jpg