This is not where I want to be in 20 years.

http://rii.ricoh.com/~jamey/images/frisbee.jpg

This guy is going straight to hell.

Fun for the Whole Family (not sure if the links are working so just copy and paste)

The holidays are coming up soon and I know what you are thinking, what could be worse then another boring holiday. In-laws and distant relatives coming to your house from all over the country,some of them coming in their house. Your fat Uncle Larry sleeping in your bed while you have to bunk with a 12 year-old bed wetter. Your relatives asking, "When you gonna grad-u-ate?" Why so you can mooch cause your lotto plan did not work out?

Follow this link if you want to see a picture of last years turkey day.

http://www.joe-ks.com/archives_nov2003/RedneckGathering.jpg

I just want to give a few suggestions just to spice things up a little bit.


1. If single, bring a friend of the same sex over. Hang out together a lot. Thumb wrestle around crowds of family. Give your friend lots of complements. At bed time have the friend sleep on a couch and you bunk in a sleeping bag at the bed of the couch. Leave and tell your parents they may be seeing a lot more of the friend. Last, never say anything else about it.

2. Play reminisce. This is a fun game for siblings. How you play is, while all players are present you have to get another family member to tell a story by saying "remember that time when...." and for each new story you get a point. I played with my sister for two hours. The funny thing is the attention your family members get from you makes them feel warm, too bad you really don't love them and are just using them.

3. Teach the young ones to cuss, someone has to do it.

4. At dinner freak out about how they murdered a turkey and how they should not eat it. Rip off the drumstick and lick it and say, "Who is gonna eat this now?" Then look at the drumsticks and begin pigging out and say, "I have missed you" Last apologize, you will probably be applauded for you break through.

5. Turn the water off to the toilets and flush the last flush. Embarrassment is a beautiful color. If that person ask for help, make a big scene.

6. If you are going to your girlfriend's/wife's family's feast, tell her family she hits you. (If this is really true then get help, Wood.)

7. Eat chili for the next three days. Gas is always funny, and this way everyone can enjoy it.


Drive safe

http://bellhollowdogtraining.com/Redneck%20Children%20and%20Dogs.jpg

The end is near

In the wake of the tsunami waves, hurricanes this summer, earthquakes, and mudslides, I have been thinking about something serious. The book of revelation predicts all of these things, and worse to come. It says, Jesus will come back and take his people like a thief in the night, and after that will be seven years of war, famine, and really fucked up shit. As for the Jews, Muslims, Buddhist, Catholics, and other religions well um... ... ... The thing that is even worse is this is a day Christians all over the world, are looking forward to! That is kind of sick, because their day of triumph is the beginning of a horrible event.

So in preparation for this event I would like to start making preparations for this event by establishing these rules.

Rule#1 When late for work all Christians must call in prior to their start time.

This is so that we are certain that we did not miss the rapture.

Rule #2 There should be no more than one Christian pilots flying airplanes.

This is to prevent innocent people from diving to their death and going straight to hell. This true because all the Christians will be gone.

Rule #3 All people in employed in public transportation will be of the Non-Christian faith.

For similar reasons of rule #2

Rule #4 Because the end is near, all savings and property of Christians will be handed over to Non-Christians in equal proportions.

This is to ease the transition of a lack of ownership on post-rapture property lost by Christians that went to heaven, otherwise it will be mayhem.

Rule #5 Edelman is a cheating bastard.

Yeah I am still bitter.

After the rapture:

1. Gays can now marry.

2. Abortion is legal.

3. Pot is legal.

4. Edelman is still a cheating bastard.

Abstract Worse Case Scenario

You go to bed one night thinking everything was fine. You actually have the best night of sleep of your life, aside from a slightly rank odor. You wake up and everything is slightly blurred, you walk in the bathroom and clear your eyes to see one shocking thing, your a man baby! This right this is a survival guide in case you go to bed a woman and wake up a man.

First things first, as you were sleeping last night that smell was the sleep farts.

sleep farts v. - developed when man still lived in caves generated to ward of enemies and to keep warm while sleeping. Sleep farts is an evolutionary development only seen in male homo sapiens.

The next thing you will notice is a great warmth coming from your pants coupled with a slight discomfort of the bladder. This has been scientifically classified as morning wood. The origins of morning wood are unknown and at one time were thought to be magical. They are generated most possibly by a good dream in which the subject is in a utopia with unclothed women.

A good rule to follow is never complement another guy. It is okay to say "great play" on the field but that is about it. Never stare another guy in the eyes for more then three seconds either. And smiling at another guys is stricktly off limits.

The average man thinks about sex one out of eight seconds of his day, you will not be able to help it. Now staring at women is okay, actually it is almost required whether she is looking or not. And making a comment to another guy like, "Did you see the bo-day-tious ta-tas on her," is okay.

Now ass slapping is only allowed if you are on a playing field and it is encouragement. Never off the field or to someone one on another team, should ass slapping be performed. To perform the ass slap you'll want to keep you hand flat and accelerate the arm towards the ass. At the last moment you may want to flick the wrist. Cupping and lifting should never occur.

Here is an example of incorrect and correct procedures for the ass slap.

http://www.boardsmag.com/screeningroom/commercials/761

The last thing I need to inform you about is the bathroom. Urinals are only for number one. Urinal selection is a delicate task that all men master. Urinal selection is based on two things, what stalls are occupied and the entrance location. Most urinals are located away from the bathroom door, but on occasion you will find one where when the door is open you are exposed. Avoid this at all cost. Next, if available choose a urinal that has no adjacent occupants. If that option is not available then you may choose an unoccupied urinal, but look straight forward, exactly straight forward. Hand washing is optional.

Traveling In Traffic Saftey

Traveling In Traffic Saftey, TITS, is a hands on program that I created which simply provides suggestions on how to make traffic less painful. I started think about the idea of TITS at a very young age. The program seems to be picking up amoung men alot more rappidly than women, but I assure you that I do not have a target audience. My dream is to have TITS work for everyone men and women alike. The organization has been going very well and money is raised for TITS in several different ways. We have TITS carwashes, we sell films about TITS, and our biggest contributer is the TITS jump-a-thon, money is made for the amount a person jump ropes in five minutes. I would like to ask for your support of TITS and I hope to implant TITS all around the country. This TITS action I have seen in Atlanta has been great but I know we can do much better.

Now for the tips to help resolve the big problem of traffic in Atlanta. This first tip is for driving in general.


B e
A ware
L ook
L isten
S can

Here is some advice when passing an accident and there is a traffic jam

D ont be distracted
I gnore the accident
C heck for sudden stops ahead
K eep moving

This method should be used when merging on to the highway

S tay away from the people in front of you (they may be stopping)
N ote your current speed
A ccelerate to the flow of traffic
T ake a look at your blind spots
C heck your Mirrors
H ave a space to merge into


I would like to thank everyone for their support in the last couple of weeks. He have really done a great job squeezing the most out of TITS that we could get. The annual party is coming up and I do need some help with ideas for decorateing The TITS Blow Out. Also spread the word about how great the tips of TITS are, and try to attract more people to TITS. Drive safely and always keep TITS in your mind.

Sports Frisbee Could Replace

"I play ultimate frisbee," I said. "Oh yea I heard of that, its the golf thing right." I have heard that so many times and frankly I am tired of hearing it. There are some other sports out there that are played in the olympics and I really don't think that they are any kind of sport. Here is a list of sports that are in the summer olympics that dont belong and why they don't belong. I also included ways to improve these sports.

1. Archery

I mean seriously who in the hell still shoots arrows. The discovery channel was showing something in South America about under developed tribes and they when hunting with there RIFLES. There are some people that hunt deer with bows, only because they are not allowed to do it with a gun. There is hope for this sport though, how about we have the archers shoot at each other? I'd watch that shit every four years.

2. 2o and 50 km walk

The object of this sport is to go a great distance without having less then one point of contact on the ground. Now what in the hell is this, its like nascar had people racing soap box durby because they could not handle driving a car. They have people in Spain that run from bulls, who in their right mind wants to watch people walk for miles. Think about the poeple who suck at this sport, "Yea I walk but I am not very good at it." The only way I could think of this sport being better is having them all walk off a cliff.

3. Equestrain

Okay get off your ass and do something. They say this sport is hard because you have to time when the horse jumps (yes I know the horse does not jump.) But I also have to time my swing when I am playing Tiger Woods golf game, that does not mean I should contend for a fucking olympic medal. This whole deal is horse shit. Maybe if you had a lion chase a guy on a horse we could fill the Colisem up again, and take off that sissy ass helmet.

4. Shooting

Okay this is the best way to take something cool, guns, and turn it in to a "sport" that if I had a son and he "played" this "sport" I would kick his ass. I am serious I would not stop until I broke a bone. Some goat-wanker takes one of the most useful skills of WAR and goes and shoots a disk they call a pigeon. Know I am sure you are clever enought to figure out why it was called that. How bout we go yonder and kill us some thin.

5. Gymnastics

Okay now before I go though this one I have to side track, to track and field. Have you seen one sprinter, one distance runner, or even on one javelin thrower wear one ounce of make-up hell no!!!!! Why? Because they are Athletes. Any sport that determines who well you can frolic arcoss a stage is about as dumb as cigarette smokers trying to figure out why they have cancer. These guys train so hard and are extremly strong and athletic I am sure they could kick ass on the frisbee field. They only thing I could think of to improve this sport was make them run the gauntlet.

He so fat it takes him two trips to haul ass

There are certain things that make me sick and I will share one with you. Did you know that if you are 150 lbs. over weight you can get a handicaped sticker? So fat asses have and express lane to the buffet. I am not trying to be mean but the average (in-shape) person eats about six pounds of food a day. The average fat ass can eat an average person a day. Now I have nothing against fat people, except there are starving kids in Africa (and probably starving kids at their dinner table.) Now the picture below is a picture of me when I was 14 and I lost over 2000 lbs. So if you are this fat but you are really determined to lose weight, then stop fucking eating. Literally starve yourself until you can wipe your own ass. Who am I kidding, if your this fat you will never make it as a runway model; you cant even run because your knees will buckle and your knee caps will spue out of your body like water melon seeds. Seriously fat people make me sick, mainly by how they look. SO HERE ARE A COUPLE OF WAYS TO TELL IF YOUR A FAT ASS. ( )( )
1. If you look down and don't see your genitals, you're probably a fat ass.
2. If you have ever bit your finger because it did not get out of the way while you were eating, you're probably a fat ass.
3. If you have ever watched Loony Toons and got hungry from looking at the charicters, you're probably a fat ass.
4. If you have ever mistakingly eatten plastic fruit, you're probably a fat ass.
5. If you get out of breath while trying to scratch your butt, you're probably a fat ass.
6. If you have ever been kicked out of a buffet becaused it closed in the middle of your meal, you're probably a fat ass.
7. If you ever entered a hot dog eating contest for some free food, you're probably a fat ass.
8. If you are banned from ordering the endless bowl of pasta, you're probably a fat ass.
9. If you cant help your gut from touching the steering wheel of your car when you drive, you're probably a fat ass.
10.If you ever had a nightmare starring Jenny Craig, you're probably a fat ass.

My Summer Fling That Made My ........ Sting

I am finally glad to say that I am just getting over a hard, painful break up. I found someone, some special, and after a couple of romantic weekends my heart literally grew. I am not just talking about someone good looking or someone that was just fun to be around, but someone who engulfed my soul with love and passion. My heart would race when we were togethe,r and my heart inplanted beautiful thoughs, not just in my mind but thoughout my entire body. For the first time in my life I felt...complete and nothing was going to hold me back. Then he showed up with his little Johny-boy. His ex that he really never forgot about. And how did Jason break the news ... over email, not just sending it to me but to my peers as well. Thing that hurts the most is Johny-boy was never gone, he was there before me and he is still with my Edelman. It turns out I was just a fling, something to clear his mind. There is a picture of a team I played on, some of you may have seen it. The two of them are standing there, with little smiles that just rips my very being into two. John standing with his hand on my favorite place in the world to lay my naive head. Earlier that day John ask to borrow my hat, after seeing the picture I found the turth of why he need it. To say, "I have you hat and your man." I have no anger, I seek no revenge but I honestly wish them well. Deep down Jason knows, he will never have any tail like THE FOX TAIL.