Next Disaster..NEXT DISASTER!

Global Warming is a problem that has face man since the beginning of time. For years cavemen lived in caves without electricity and using only renewable resources to prevent pollution. They even went to lengths of washing clothes in rivers to prevent environmental effects cause by power plants. Somewhere later on in time mankind began to say, "F my grandkids give me electricity, gasoline powered cars, and plastic bottles." All of this and cigarettes have caused the problem that we now call global warming, the slight rise in the average temperature of the planet. This causes the "ice caps" to melt and flood Florida, which has been a swamp for thousands of years until canals were created to dry out the land. I have comprised a plan to keep those crafty landowners in Georgia from getting gulf front beach property. This is more then a band-aid fix that will fix the problem of global warming forever. The answer is simple and is contained in four words or just one word if you hyphenate the whole thing. Solar-powered-ice-makers, this takes the heat and "wave energy" from the sun and creates ice that will lower the temperature of the earth and save Florida. I have included a photo below illustrating my point. Imagine the earth as one bottle of beer, and the ice as umm....ice. This simplifies the solution to the problem for you non-engineer types. There has been a waste of congress and other people debating over this problem and I solved it. I have not done the calculations yet but my initial calcs. show that it is going to take more then 7 of these ice-makers. Please join us next week when I discuss fulfilling E.T.'s life long dream of turning the moon into a stage of shadow puppetry.




Next Weeks Topic......

Some People are just haten on Mike Vick

Whats the difference between God and Michael Vick? Well one of them plays football and that is about it. I would like to personally say that I am extremely disappointed in Atlanta Falcon fans and more importantly Michael Vick fans. We should consider ourselves blessed to have the greatest athlete ever, Michael Vick, playing in our city. We should give him more of anything he wants; just for coming through our city. People get all freaked out when Vick does something wrong. We should do the right thing and just look away. So what if he smokes a little weed in the bathroom of an airplane, you see the Airport in Miami did the right thing once the realized they did the wrong thing and completely looked away and ignored there was a problem. Even if he did get convicted he is such a great athlete that he would just run right out of jail, jump the fence and dodge the bullets on the way out. They would be lucky if he only killed a couple of guards on the way out. He are some of Vick's accomplishments that may help you understand why he should recieve any pardon necessary.

Michael Vick's stats/achievements that missed the record books.
1.Threw a 175 yard touchdown pass.
2. The perfect football team would be 9 Michael Vicks and two hot cheerleaders to bring them water and wipe their sweat from their bodies
3. Kicked a 5 point field goal.
4. Only loses games because he knows he should be paid more.
5. Michael Vick is his own father.
6. Michael Vick took his own virginity, on accident.
7. Michael Vick would dominate the NBA but does not like orange colored balls.
8. Michael Vick had his pads tattooed on.
9. Michael Vick intercepted his own pass.
10. The only reason Michael Vick ever throws the football is because he thinks the other players need to earn their paychecks.

I know you understand where I am coming from so the next time you see the bird out of Vick just smile and think I sure hope Vick does not want to be closer to his summer home in Miami. And if one of Vick's fighting dogs kills one of yours go pull a steak out of the fridge and cook it for the little guy cause he helps keep Mike Vick happy.

Early Childhood Education

I am about to graduate shortly and I finally realized, "What am I doing, there is no money in engineering. I should teach, where the big bucks are." I figure I would go and get a early childhood education degree. To prove I could do it I came up with a lesson to get creative juices going.

So find a child (about 7 or 8 is the age group that I picked the difficulty level) and have him read these riddles then if he can't figure them out have him read the answers aloud.

Figure out the riddles.

ex.

riddle : Ruler of the couch
answer: Sofa King

answers are at the bottom



10th deep pass in a game

carbonated drink can that does not fizz out

ear irritation

third person reference to a woman named Ted.

last response to a basement redecorating interview

twice as many things

guy who fixes sliding glass doors

defected colorful bird

just above the ankle on a guy



10th deep pass in a game
(deep throw ten)

carbonated drink can that does not fizz out
(a null fizz tin)

ear irritation
(lobe itch)

third person reference to a woman named Ted.
(she Ted)

last response to a basement redecorating interview
(give me below job)

twice as many things
(double stuff)

guy who fixes sliding glass doors
(back door man)

defected colorful bird
(flaw peacock)

just above the ankle on a guy
(Man's low shin)

Inventions that look good on paper

This is an actual patient that somebody made.

Gravitron 3000

Also clears constipation.

Wedding Vows revised

Getting hitched is a big step in life, so I think you should let the other person know what they are in for. I say wedding vows should be redone to fit the needs of the person. Also, I don’t think you should commit right there at the altar, there is a lot of pressure at that point. Do you john do agree to honor, love, obey, yata-yata blah-blah ... for as long as you both shall live? What the hell is that? I don’t know what I am going to do tomorrow, as long as you both shall live? Is maybe and acceptable answer?

I think instead that you should be able to say what you expect from the other person. I think your vows should be your own vows but for the other person.

Groom:
"Hey woman do you promises to
1. Love me and not cheat on me.
2. Give yourself up when ever I want it and during that time of the month give head.
3. Ruin your body having our children, and try like hell to get your figure back afterwards.
4. Stay at home, clean house, raise kids, and dinner better be hot.
5. If you have time get, a part-time job for you own spending money so you are not a hole in my pocket.
6. Keep your mother-in-law the hell away from me, I swear I will kill the bitch, and hide the body.
7. I bought that expensive ass ring so you dad better be paying for this here weddin.
8. You better not care if I go to a hooter bar for a lay dance once in a while.
9. You also better understand that when I come home from work I am tired.
10. If we do get split up I am not paying alimony, alimony does not mean all your money.
11. I case of fire save your own ass, burning building equals haul ass.
12. I may on try to catch your sister naked but just to look. (From the tree outside the bathroom.)
13. Agreement must be renewed every five years.
14. Extreme illness resulting in paralysis voids contract."


The bride
" Hey man do you promises to
1. Love me, care about me and how I feel, nourish my sole, feel my pain, cry with me, be my emotional support and not cheat on me.
2. Never use the words I am tired when I want to have sex.
3. Break your body bringing home the bread, and if it takes two jobs so be it.
4. Do all chores outside the house, and if it is broke fix it immediately.
5. Never try anal stuff; it is off limits sick-o.
6. Tell me I do not look fat in these pants.
7. Read my mind on everything, if I ask you what you want for dinner, I am really asking what I want for dinner.
8. Listen to my nagging that never goes anywhere.
9. Shut your mouth when I am talking, I really don’t care what you have to say.
10. If I get pregnant you will get up at 3:00 am to get me a pickle and peanut butter sandwich.
11. Know but not care when I talk about you to my girlfriends.
12. Get me diamonds at least once a year; you have Christmas, my birthday, Mother’s Day, and Valentines, pick one.
13. When you mess up, flowers do not work, think gold.
14. I reserve the right to kick your ass to the couch.
15. You will drive a mini-van.
16. Your getting fixed not me when the time comes.
17. Not look at other women when I am around.
18. Follow the equation compliments > insults.
19. In case of fire you’re on your own jack.
20. Agreement must be renewed every five years.
21. Extreme illness resulting in paralysis voids contract."

If both parties agree, may god have mercy on your souls.

X___________________ Groom

X___________________ Bride

X____________________ Witnesses

X____________________ Witnesses

X____________________ Witnesses

X____________________ Witnesses

X____________________ Witnesses

X____________________ Witnesses

X____________________ Witnesses

X____________________ Witnesses

X____________________ Witnesses


And that should work a little better.

and pictures should look like this

http://www.gallaghersmash.com/images/bride-truck-butt-2.jpg

http://www.strangecosmos.com/images/content/106004.jpg

http://physicsgeek.mu.nu/archives/redneck%20wedding.jpg

http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y185/rob1303/Redneck/Redneck010.jpg

Necro Phil's Coffins

I am taking a business class and we are learning about business, hmm... And one thing we are learning is if your are going to start a new business, there must be a need for your business. Something like a lack of service or products...

I have made a new coffin manufacturing company, that specializes coffins to fit the needs of the occupant. Here is the ad I was thinking of featuring in the AJC.

Necro Phil's Coffins.

Are you unsatisfied with the current coffin selection in the market? Or just plain upset with the current prices of luxury ones? Maybe you were stuck with the unfortunate death of a relative you did not like and don't want to bury a lot of money burying the guy. Well come on down to Necro Phil's, where you will be dying to get into one of our coffins.

Our standard luxury coffins come with:
viewing window, trailer hitch, am-FM radio, door bell, automatic locks, power steering, sun roof, and are lemon scented, rear view mirror.

You name it we can get it for you. If you want a coffin with:

AC, refrigerator, convertible, two-story, half-story, coffins with a half bath, flat screen HD TV, water bed, wallpaper of your choice, coffins for two, coffins for two and only one is dead, GPS, and map quest.

If you are on a budget don't worry when you nudge it.
We have these special going on right now...

The bum in a box special: $225 ( for a limited time only)
You can get buried any cheaper then this

We take a 2 foot by 2 foot wooden box and place you in it, we do have to dismember you a little but hey at least you can rest in pieces.

We buy, sell, and trade new and used coffins.

We have coffins also have the gangster special: $1,100
This is a steel coffin that you can throw in any river, lake, or ocean and it will not float. We have tested it. (These coffins are designed for the dead, we are not responsible for any live burials.)

don't you try and wait it is easiest to prepare before it to late.

Just look at some of are satisfied customers:

This is John and Jane Po:

They bought the split one coffin for two special, and just look how happy they are. I cant remember a Halloween party they were not invited to.

http://www.halloweenpropmaster.com/coffins.jpg

This is Jim Diedincarcrash in his sports model coffin.

http://www.sonypictures.com/TV/shows/ripleys/database/assets/coffin_car.jpg

This is Michelle Suckabitch and is one of our oldest customers in her invisible coffin.

http://members.aol.com/Attic21/Anatomy/AnatPics/skeleton.gif



AND REMEMBER AT NECRO PHIL'S WE SELL COFFINS TO DIE FOR.

Being Unemployed Sucks When You Dont Have a Job

As you may or may not know reciently many companies have been closing down their plants and factories and have been moving their labor across seas. Don't believe me, check your pants. No really, where was you underware made, not here. On top of this, illegal immigrants are also taking up jobs. I work for a unionized company, whose name I will disguise, UBS. Currently our labor force sucks, so I see the bottom of the barrel. Most of these people would rather get fired then do their job. How does UBS, United Box Scervice, make their money? OVERPRICING!!!!! Another responce to the unemployment problem is, blame Bush. This to I think is incorrect, he has a job, so he is helping the unemployment rate. He has worked hard to get where he is and it had nothing to do, what so ever, with his fathers money. I mean really how much does being a rich spoiled brat for your entire life really help out. The real problem is slackers who want to mouch of everything and have a job that requires them to do nothing.

I propose a bill that will require a number on a portion of your drivers license. You will be graded as a person by every employer based on that grade you will recive a number from 0-5, I call it the Workable. This number will reflect how lazy you are. There will be a base number for a job and you multiply that number by the Workability factor to get how much you should pay a person. So for a plumber the base number would be like 5. If you were an incredable hard worker you whould have the base number 5 muiltplied by your workability factor (also 5). You will be paid 25 dollars an hour. And if you get a degree and certifications you would have a experice and knowledge factor included with you workability factor, so someone like a doctor would get paid the right amount.

This does pose a problem with the people that get low scores. After analyizing the job maket there is still a place for these people. Goverment and county jobs will be accectable for these select millions. Jobs at UBS will still be available as well.

This leaves one portion of the population left, the homeless. These are the poeple that do not want to have a job or any function in society. I am not including stay at home parents, they have an important job. The homeless will be forced to work, doing mindless jobs such as cleaning the streets. Another option is force them to do bum fights. All homeless people will be paid in crack. This gets the streets clean and at the same time gets rid of bums.

A craked out bum is a happy bum.

http://www.moonbattery.com/archives/bum.jpg

This is not where I want to be in 20 years.

http://rii.ricoh.com/~jamey/images/frisbee.jpg

This guy is going straight to hell.

Fun for the Whole Family (not sure if the links are working so just copy and paste)

The holidays are coming up soon and I know what you are thinking, what could be worse then another boring holiday. In-laws and distant relatives coming to your house from all over the country,some of them coming in their house. Your fat Uncle Larry sleeping in your bed while you have to bunk with a 12 year-old bed wetter. Your relatives asking, "When you gonna grad-u-ate?" Why so you can mooch cause your lotto plan did not work out?

Follow this link if you want to see a picture of last years turkey day.

http://www.joe-ks.com/archives_nov2003/RedneckGathering.jpg

I just want to give a few suggestions just to spice things up a little bit.


1. If single, bring a friend of the same sex over. Hang out together a lot. Thumb wrestle around crowds of family. Give your friend lots of complements. At bed time have the friend sleep on a couch and you bunk in a sleeping bag at the bed of the couch. Leave and tell your parents they may be seeing a lot more of the friend. Last, never say anything else about it.

2. Play reminisce. This is a fun game for siblings. How you play is, while all players are present you have to get another family member to tell a story by saying "remember that time when...." and for each new story you get a point. I played with my sister for two hours. The funny thing is the attention your family members get from you makes them feel warm, too bad you really don't love them and are just using them.

3. Teach the young ones to cuss, someone has to do it.

4. At dinner freak out about how they murdered a turkey and how they should not eat it. Rip off the drumstick and lick it and say, "Who is gonna eat this now?" Then look at the drumsticks and begin pigging out and say, "I have missed you" Last apologize, you will probably be applauded for you break through.

5. Turn the water off to the toilets and flush the last flush. Embarrassment is a beautiful color. If that person ask for help, make a big scene.

6. If you are going to your girlfriend's/wife's family's feast, tell her family she hits you. (If this is really true then get help, Wood.)

7. Eat chili for the next three days. Gas is always funny, and this way everyone can enjoy it.


Drive safe

http://bellhollowdogtraining.com/Redneck%20Children%20and%20Dogs.jpg

The end is near

In the wake of the tsunami waves, hurricanes this summer, earthquakes, and mudslides, I have been thinking about something serious. The book of revelation predicts all of these things, and worse to come. It says, Jesus will come back and take his people like a thief in the night, and after that will be seven years of war, famine, and really fucked up shit. As for the Jews, Muslims, Buddhist, Catholics, and other religions well um... ... ... The thing that is even worse is this is a day Christians all over the world, are looking forward to! That is kind of sick, because their day of triumph is the beginning of a horrible event.

So in preparation for this event I would like to start making preparations for this event by establishing these rules.

Rule#1 When late for work all Christians must call in prior to their start time.

This is so that we are certain that we did not miss the rapture.

Rule #2 There should be no more than one Christian pilots flying airplanes.

This is to prevent innocent people from diving to their death and going straight to hell. This true because all the Christians will be gone.

Rule #3 All people in employed in public transportation will be of the Non-Christian faith.

For similar reasons of rule #2

Rule #4 Because the end is near, all savings and property of Christians will be handed over to Non-Christians in equal proportions.

This is to ease the transition of a lack of ownership on post-rapture property lost by Christians that went to heaven, otherwise it will be mayhem.

Rule #5 Edelman is a cheating bastard.

Yeah I am still bitter.

After the rapture:

1. Gays can now marry.

2. Abortion is legal.

3. Pot is legal.

4. Edelman is still a cheating bastard.

Abstract Worse Case Scenario

You go to bed one night thinking everything was fine. You actually have the best night of sleep of your life, aside from a slightly rank odor. You wake up and everything is slightly blurred, you walk in the bathroom and clear your eyes to see one shocking thing, your a man baby! This right this is a survival guide in case you go to bed a woman and wake up a man.

First things first, as you were sleeping last night that smell was the sleep farts.

sleep farts v. - developed when man still lived in caves generated to ward of enemies and to keep warm while sleeping. Sleep farts is an evolutionary development only seen in male homo sapiens.

The next thing you will notice is a great warmth coming from your pants coupled with a slight discomfort of the bladder. This has been scientifically classified as morning wood. The origins of morning wood are unknown and at one time were thought to be magical. They are generated most possibly by a good dream in which the subject is in a utopia with unclothed women.

A good rule to follow is never complement another guy. It is okay to say "great play" on the field but that is about it. Never stare another guy in the eyes for more then three seconds either. And smiling at another guys is stricktly off limits.

The average man thinks about sex one out of eight seconds of his day, you will not be able to help it. Now staring at women is okay, actually it is almost required whether she is looking or not. And making a comment to another guy like, "Did you see the bo-day-tious ta-tas on her," is okay.

Now ass slapping is only allowed if you are on a playing field and it is encouragement. Never off the field or to someone one on another team, should ass slapping be performed. To perform the ass slap you'll want to keep you hand flat and accelerate the arm towards the ass. At the last moment you may want to flick the wrist. Cupping and lifting should never occur.

Here is an example of incorrect and correct procedures for the ass slap.

http://www.boardsmag.com/screeningroom/commercials/761

The last thing I need to inform you about is the bathroom. Urinals are only for number one. Urinal selection is a delicate task that all men master. Urinal selection is based on two things, what stalls are occupied and the entrance location. Most urinals are located away from the bathroom door, but on occasion you will find one where when the door is open you are exposed. Avoid this at all cost. Next, if available choose a urinal that has no adjacent occupants. If that option is not available then you may choose an unoccupied urinal, but look straight forward, exactly straight forward. Hand washing is optional.

Traveling In Traffic Saftey

Traveling In Traffic Saftey, TITS, is a hands on program that I created which simply provides suggestions on how to make traffic less painful. I started think about the idea of TITS at a very young age. The program seems to be picking up amoung men alot more rappidly than women, but I assure you that I do not have a target audience. My dream is to have TITS work for everyone men and women alike. The organization has been going very well and money is raised for TITS in several different ways. We have TITS carwashes, we sell films about TITS, and our biggest contributer is the TITS jump-a-thon, money is made for the amount a person jump ropes in five minutes. I would like to ask for your support of TITS and I hope to implant TITS all around the country. This TITS action I have seen in Atlanta has been great but I know we can do much better.

Now for the tips to help resolve the big problem of traffic in Atlanta. This first tip is for driving in general.


B e
A ware
L ook
L isten
S can

Here is some advice when passing an accident and there is a traffic jam

D ont be distracted
I gnore the accident
C heck for sudden stops ahead
K eep moving

This method should be used when merging on to the highway

S tay away from the people in front of you (they may be stopping)
N ote your current speed
A ccelerate to the flow of traffic
T ake a look at your blind spots
C heck your Mirrors
H ave a space to merge into


I would like to thank everyone for their support in the last couple of weeks. He have really done a great job squeezing the most out of TITS that we could get. The annual party is coming up and I do need some help with ideas for decorateing The TITS Blow Out. Also spread the word about how great the tips of TITS are, and try to attract more people to TITS. Drive safely and always keep TITS in your mind.

Sports Frisbee Could Replace

"I play ultimate frisbee," I said. "Oh yea I heard of that, its the golf thing right." I have heard that so many times and frankly I am tired of hearing it. There are some other sports out there that are played in the olympics and I really don't think that they are any kind of sport. Here is a list of sports that are in the summer olympics that dont belong and why they don't belong. I also included ways to improve these sports.

1. Archery

I mean seriously who in the hell still shoots arrows. The discovery channel was showing something in South America about under developed tribes and they when hunting with there RIFLES. There are some people that hunt deer with bows, only because they are not allowed to do it with a gun. There is hope for this sport though, how about we have the archers shoot at each other? I'd watch that shit every four years.

2. 2o and 50 km walk

The object of this sport is to go a great distance without having less then one point of contact on the ground. Now what in the hell is this, its like nascar had people racing soap box durby because they could not handle driving a car. They have people in Spain that run from bulls, who in their right mind wants to watch people walk for miles. Think about the poeple who suck at this sport, "Yea I walk but I am not very good at it." The only way I could think of this sport being better is having them all walk off a cliff.

3. Equestrain

Okay get off your ass and do something. They say this sport is hard because you have to time when the horse jumps (yes I know the horse does not jump.) But I also have to time my swing when I am playing Tiger Woods golf game, that does not mean I should contend for a fucking olympic medal. This whole deal is horse shit. Maybe if you had a lion chase a guy on a horse we could fill the Colisem up again, and take off that sissy ass helmet.

4. Shooting

Okay this is the best way to take something cool, guns, and turn it in to a "sport" that if I had a son and he "played" this "sport" I would kick his ass. I am serious I would not stop until I broke a bone. Some goat-wanker takes one of the most useful skills of WAR and goes and shoots a disk they call a pigeon. Know I am sure you are clever enought to figure out why it was called that. How bout we go yonder and kill us some thin.

5. Gymnastics

Okay now before I go though this one I have to side track, to track and field. Have you seen one sprinter, one distance runner, or even on one javelin thrower wear one ounce of make-up hell no!!!!! Why? Because they are Athletes. Any sport that determines who well you can frolic arcoss a stage is about as dumb as cigarette smokers trying to figure out why they have cancer. These guys train so hard and are extremly strong and athletic I am sure they could kick ass on the frisbee field. They only thing I could think of to improve this sport was make them run the gauntlet.

He so fat it takes him two trips to haul ass

There are certain things that make me sick and I will share one with you. Did you know that if you are 150 lbs. over weight you can get a handicaped sticker? So fat asses have and express lane to the buffet. I am not trying to be mean but the average (in-shape) person eats about six pounds of food a day. The average fat ass can eat an average person a day. Now I have nothing against fat people, except there are starving kids in Africa (and probably starving kids at their dinner table.) Now the picture below is a picture of me when I was 14 and I lost over 2000 lbs. So if you are this fat but you are really determined to lose weight, then stop fucking eating. Literally starve yourself until you can wipe your own ass. Who am I kidding, if your this fat you will never make it as a runway model; you cant even run because your knees will buckle and your knee caps will spue out of your body like water melon seeds. Seriously fat people make me sick, mainly by how they look. SO HERE ARE A COUPLE OF WAYS TO TELL IF YOUR A FAT ASS. ( )( )
1. If you look down and don't see your genitals, you're probably a fat ass.
2. If you have ever bit your finger because it did not get out of the way while you were eating, you're probably a fat ass.
3. If you have ever watched Loony Toons and got hungry from looking at the charicters, you're probably a fat ass.
4. If you have ever mistakingly eatten plastic fruit, you're probably a fat ass.
5. If you get out of breath while trying to scratch your butt, you're probably a fat ass.
6. If you have ever been kicked out of a buffet becaused it closed in the middle of your meal, you're probably a fat ass.
7. If you ever entered a hot dog eating contest for some free food, you're probably a fat ass.
8. If you are banned from ordering the endless bowl of pasta, you're probably a fat ass.
9. If you cant help your gut from touching the steering wheel of your car when you drive, you're probably a fat ass.
10.If you ever had a nightmare starring Jenny Craig, you're probably a fat ass.

My Summer Fling That Made My ........ Sting

I am finally glad to say that I am just getting over a hard, painful break up. I found someone, some special, and after a couple of romantic weekends my heart literally grew. I am not just talking about someone good looking or someone that was just fun to be around, but someone who engulfed my soul with love and passion. My heart would race when we were togethe,r and my heart inplanted beautiful thoughs, not just in my mind but thoughout my entire body. For the first time in my life I felt...complete and nothing was going to hold me back. Then he showed up with his little Johny-boy. His ex that he really never forgot about. And how did Jason break the news ... over email, not just sending it to me but to my peers as well. Thing that hurts the most is Johny-boy was never gone, he was there before me and he is still with my Edelman. It turns out I was just a fling, something to clear his mind. There is a picture of a team I played on, some of you may have seen it. The two of them are standing there, with little smiles that just rips my very being into two. John standing with his hand on my favorite place in the world to lay my naive head. Earlier that day John ask to borrow my hat, after seeing the picture I found the turth of why he need it. To say, "I have you hat and your man." I have no anger, I seek no revenge but I honestly wish them well. Deep down Jason knows, he will never have any tail like THE FOX TAIL.

The Fox Tail

I have recently played a horrible prank, one that will probably get me beat up really bad but it may have been worth it. So in reconceliation I really made a blog and don't know what magical adventures it will take us one. It may make us laugh and may make us cry, but it will certainly make you shake your head at where my brain goes while I am not a sleep. There will be stories of lame ninjas and heroic pirates. Adventures strait from the trail park will be brought to you and we may even go to magical places. So strap up and hold on for the ride of "The Fox Tails".

warning: if you have ever been offended by anything I have ever said, please don't not get on the ride. Don't even look at the ride, and most importantly, do not taste the ride on tuesdays.